parentingapart Most women, when they consider raising a family, think of a happily ever after scenario. After all, they just rode off with their partners into the sunset together (on white horses), right?  What could go wrong?  A lot...

One-third to One-half of children in the United States grow up without both biologic parents living in the same house. The most common reason is divorce, but a fair number of parents live in separate towns because of careers or the military.

hmoore1Many parents are never “together” in anything other than the Biblical sense of the word, and sadly, some parents die early, leaving others to parent alone. So a huge number must function as single parents at least part of the time, and except for the widow/ers, they also have to parent with someone else, but from a distance.  They are “parenting apart” as opposed to parenting together. Some parents who are divorced handle the parenting apart concept gracefully. Others—not so much.

To effectively parent apart, there is one rule to follow:  the kids come first. The instinctual response is, “I put them first, but HE doesn’t.”  Yeah, yeah.  Here’s the thing: everyone’s a jerk sometimes.  

Some have more of a corner on the market, but most parents, even adulterous, unemployed sperm donors usually truly love their children and even want what’s best for them. Maybe they plan to get the best by pouring Lucky Charms for three meals a day and bonding with the kids over a continuous loop feed of Shrek. But apart from going to family court and having the judge write an order that the kids can only have oatmeal for breakfast and PBS for daytime viewing, pointing out the problems with Lucky Charms isn’t good parenting apart.

Most people don’t change because they are nagged out of bad habits.  So if the ex is parenting badly without abuse or neglect, but loves the kids, it’s better to step back and let him fumble along his own way.  

There are certain courtesies that should happen when parenting apart.  The other parent needs to know about doctor’s appointments, parent/teacher conferences and the softball schedule for the spring.  He may not show up to anything, but it’s important that he has the opportunity.  

E-mail can be a great way to communicate with an ex. “Bobby has a doctor’s appointment at 9 on Monday. Thanks.”

Another courtesy is to let the other parent know if the child is having any signs of illness.   Lots of Monday morning sick visits in my office start with the parent saying, “I just got him back from his father’s house, and...”

The visit ends with the mom telling me, “I don’t know if he was sick there or not.”  So I’m left trying to decide if the mother just wants the doctor to document that little Johnny is always sick when he comes back from his dad’s or  if the child been sick long enough to warrant blood work, x-rays or medication.

Finally, there can’t be enough said about presenting a united front to the children.  Maybe the mother doesn’t think Lucky Charms are a good staple for the diet, but all she can do is set a good example at her own house.

When her child whines because “at Daddy’s house we get Lucky Charms...” she should only say, “well that’s not on the menu tonight.”  Any comment or tonal inflection suggesting that Dad is a moron or that his new girlfriend is barely more intelligent than the cereal box is not just petty, it harms the psyche of the children.

Ideally, the two parents would get together and agree on a diet for the kids, then in separate houses present the united concept of vegetables.  But if that’s not possible, one shouldn’t disparage the other.

The Lucky Charms example is only one of many.  To effectively parent apart, lots of other issues will come up:  education, chores, religion, discipline.  Those issues aren’t easy to tackle when parents communicate well, so parenting apart is, in my opinion, the most difficult job in the world.  It can be made less difficult by following a few rules, but it will never be easy.


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